Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
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We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.