I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
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Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
This raises questions
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
me before I type out affect or effect
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks