Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
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[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.