If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
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Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I need a headline like this
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.