It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
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going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks