If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
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I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Phonetics
They got a point!
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA