Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
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My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.