If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?