11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
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My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
when someone rings the doorbell
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Well, this certainly took a turn
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.