Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
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Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me