Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
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A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”