I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
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Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?