I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
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Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.