Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
You Might Also Like
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Facebook Twitter
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.