I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
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So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
not seeing the problem
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
yeah 😭
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Good morning!
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Lmaoo 😂
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…