I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
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I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Introverted vegans go meetless
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.