My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
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i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”