This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
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Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂