[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
You Might Also Like
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right