I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
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sry
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
<—- homeless romantic
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it