me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
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#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
🤭😂
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.