Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
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“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.