My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
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I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
How to draw a duck
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.