I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
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Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith: