“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
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Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.