If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
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For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
True
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France