A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
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This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Seems kinda suspicious
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?