Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
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her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow