*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
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I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car