WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
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Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.