Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
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I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents