It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
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6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
seems fine
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology