Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
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Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
This is a sub tweet
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.