“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
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I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.