I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
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Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.