This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
You Might Also Like
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Breaking news:
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.