Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
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I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.