Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
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I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Hmmmmm
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?