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ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.