Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
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My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]