Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
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I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
This bar smells like my childhood.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left