*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
You Might Also Like
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings