#parenting
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THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*