I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
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Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis