Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
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It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Anyone want a chair?
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
dutch so unserious
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.