ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
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Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.