Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
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“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
also my go-to takeaway order
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.