I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
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‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
😅😅😅
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??