I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
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I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.