*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
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if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.